Someone said that there are two things that pierce the human heart... - Moments we wish would last forever, and ~ Moments we wish had never begun. It's the former that are piercing my heart right now. I find myself missing people and experiences I've had before and wishing that i could go back and relive them.
I miss my dad the most. Ever since he passed away in 2005, I've been wanting to write about him but i could never bring myself to do so. It's like trying to do so, would be physically painful, that the moment the urge comes to put down in paper my thoughts about my dad, I automatically dismiss it. I still can't totally confront the onslaught of feelings that come rushing back when I allow myself to think of Daddy, but I can now reminisce about all the good times we had together without feeling sick to the stomach. I've always been a Daddy's girl (aren't all girls?). My dad and I shared a very special relationship. I realize now that we were so much alike. We both talked sparingly, not needing so many words to express ourselves and not finding the need to explain ourselves. We were comfortable in silence and shared so many silent moments together. Despite the few words and the stretches of silence between us, we knew each other so well. Nobody really got me like my dad did and I him.
When I started working, my dad would sometimes drop me off or pick me up from work when he would be in the vicinity. BUT, if it was payday, he would surely pick me up from work so we could go on a "date"! We would go to the mall to watch a movie, eat or shop. Sometimes it would be a simple "food trip" inside the UP campus for fish balls, squid balls and kikiam.
Then one day, I got a call at work that my dad had a stroke at home and had to be rushed to the hospital. He was never the same physically but he was still his old cheerful and optimistic self. It took a while until he could walk again but he still had to drag his left leg along and he didn't have control of his left arm. This didn't stop him from having fun! We would still go on movie dates or just eat out just the two of us! I knew he looked forward to these times. His face would light up when I would tell him to change because we were going to the mall. I'd end up really exhausted after each trip though and would have to sleep about 10 hours to regain my strength. He was very appreciative of everything little thing I did for him. Even if I just brought him stuff I got as freebies at the mall or at the mrt station, he would thank me profusely and tell me how much he liked them afterwards.
I miss him terribly! Even if I know I did everything I could to make him happy, there are times I question myself if I did enough for him. Knowing my dad, he would tell me I did more than enough.
The lyrics of the chorus of Luther Vandross'es "Dance with My Father" echoes what's in my heart right now...
One final glance
One final step
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love love love to dance with my father again
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