Ghosted

 

I was just chatting with some friends online when a long forgotten person was mentioned. Very vivid and at the same time, blurry memories came rushing back. Vivid for they invoke strong feelings and blurry for those moments were so fleeting, I sometimes question myself if those memories are real.

The term was not yet coined then but “ghosting” was already a thing when I was in high school. I consider myself a subject matter expert on it even if it only happened to me once. This is by no means a story of the greatest love of my life nor is it the most heartbreaking; but it sure is quite interesting and paints a very colorful and fun chapter in my youth.

I was a transferee then and as a new student, I was still trying to get to know my classmates, but in typical high school fashion, there was this guy who did his best to get my attention. It was not difficult for he was just my type -  tall, fair and good looking. Whenever we would cross paths, his friends would egg him on to do crazy stuff to get me to notice him. Before long, we were talking and getting to know each other better. He made me feel extra special. Boys, take note, most girls will fall for anyone who treats them like a princess. This is not to say that this guarantees, you get the girl. But I digress…Okay, let me get back to my story. Let’s call him Jake (the name fits any high school bad boy, again my type J). Jake paid extra attention to me and would be overly solicitous at times. He would ask if I have eaten already or if I was comfortable. For a new girl, still trying to get her bearings in a new environment, this was overwhelming, but I gladly let myself be overwhelmed. I can no longer recall every single thing he did (like I said blurry) but a few things left their mark. The reason I transferred schools was I was sickly then and would have frequent fainting spells. Jake would always be one of those who would carry me down a flight of stairs from our classroom to the clinic next building. One time, we were on a school trip, I remember he gave me a rose and when I fainted (this was not after he gave me the rose J) he took care of me. After I recovered, he showed me that he kept the cotton balls with ammonia that were used on me at the back of his ID case. He was a master at eliciting that giddy feeling that has no direct translation in English, “kilig”. I can still recall the feeling of having my stomach tied up in knots because of “kilig”. Just when I was starting to have feelings for him, he stopped talking to me and even ignored me! It was a complete turnaround from lavish attention to indifference. To my young fragile mind, it was incomprehensible! What happened? What did I do? Shortly thereafter, he left school and I heard his family migrated to another country. I won’t say I was heartbroken since I wasn’t really that emotionally invested in him yet. I was more baffled and also hurt because at the very least I thought we were friends. It was also a blow to my ego. Why would he do this to me? Why did I allow this to happen to me? I was not an NBSB girl who would easily fall for the first guy who gives me attention. The most baffling thing though was the fact that most of our classmates were oblivious to what was going on! To this day, I cannot recall anybody I can call on to corroborate my account of what transpired then. They only have vague recollections of me having a crush on Jake. He must have woven a magic cloak on everything he did for me that everyone, save for myself, did not see them. This was being ghosted to the highest level!

In retrospect, I am thankful that things transpired that way. I am the sort that has to have closure, that has to talk it out over and over until I get a satisfactory answer. He left and nobody else seemed to know, so there was no one I could ask why? I was maybe a bit sad for a while but I did not sulk. Life went on and I had other crushes in high school and even got back together with my boyfriend from my former school towards the end of my senior year. I can only look back at this experience with amusement and a little “kilig”. So that’s what it is called. I was ghosted and I was the only one who knew about it. Who knows, Jake must’ve been a real ghost after all! J

#ghosting #ghosted #paasa #kilig

Everything Happens for a Reason

I am a very lazy blogger.( I'm even doubtful if I can be called a blogger.) This will only be my fifth post since I created this account. Feeling ko diary ko lang to eh! Pero this has gotta be blogged.  

I just got home from a make-up class a few hours ago and boy did I step out of it getting so much more than I expected!

Let me backtrack a bit first.  I started to follow Jackie Forster on twitter when I saw her on Survivor Philippines.  I knew of her back when she was younger and very much active in showbiz but she has been away from the limelight for quite some time, so following her sort of re-introduced her to me.  At first I followed her to know what she was saying about Survivor. (chismosa lang =) Then she became a revelation to me! Her tweets were encouraging, uplifting, conciliatory and even accepting and tolerant or at the worst dedma lang sa bashers! She started to grow on me. Imagine my surprise when I found out that she is now a make-up artist and a hairstylist and she was offering a make-up class for free to anyone who was interested! I have been wanting take some basic make-up classes for sometime now but the fees are so exorbitant! Di keri ng lola nyo! So this was heaven sent! I messaged her right away to signify my interest. She got back to me after a few days to tell me I got a slot. This was back in December pa so I had a long wait filled with doubt and uncertainty. Matuloy kaya to? Then last Feb 8, I got a text from Jackie that it will finally be on the 11th! Eto na...biglang na-cancel...( coz she got sick :( perfectly understandable...sa 20th na lang daw...the 2oth came and went- nothing. Ayan na naman...doubt....then a text on the 22nd- tuloy na tuloy na sa 25th! Yehey! Kaso ako naman ang may sakit! No, I will not miss this for anything! Mind over matter lang yan! Ok na ko by Saturday sabi ko sa sarili ko! I re-arranged my sked so I'll be free today. 

When I got to the venue, Jackie shook my hand and introduced herself and I introduced myself as well =) I was surprised to see only four other people there ahead of me. We then waited for two more. So there were seven of us participants altogether. When she said it was to be a small and intimate group she really meant small. It was just perfect! Mas napagtuunan nya ng pansin ang bawat isa. It was also serendipitous that the participants were really varied in terms of skin color, facial features and shape so we were able to discuss techniques for different needs. Before we started with the lesson, we introduced ourselves first and explained why we wanted to take the class.  Jackie would ask us questions and would also interject so it became like a discussion. It was very enlightening. Jackie explained that she was doing this to sort of "pay it forward". She doesn't believe in keeping her knowledge and her expertise to herself. I got the impression that she feels she has a mission to change the mindset of people especially us Filipinos. We ought to stop putting ourselves down and cut the false humility ek-ek. We should start believing that we can be better in so many ways. Learning how to put on make-up is one way we can improve ourselves. We have to be mindful of the image that we project as a people and thus always strive to put our best foot forward. One person at a time until we are able to change the impression foreigners have of Filipinos

We then moved on to the make-up demo after the discussion. Christie became the model. While doing Christie's make-up, Jackie was explaining every step to us. Some of us were eating pastries and drinking coffee/frap around this time too =) Then, it was our turn to practice what we learned from the demo. We now got to use the make-up brush set, eye shadows, lipstick palette, brow pencil and eyeliner that Jackie gave us.

about to start the demo

primer,concealer,foundation

eto lahat yung freebies =)

estee lauder eye shadow duo and lipstick  palette

make-up brush set with pouch

We also got to use her make-up tools and supply to complete our look. It was so much fun! Syempre may hits and misses din pero Jackie was there to guide us and correct our mistakes.  

Time flew so fast! What was supposed to be a 2 hour class stretched to almost 5 hours! Pero bitin pa rin! hehehe

I walked out of the venue not only with new make-up and make-up brushes and knowing how to use them but also new friends. More than that, I've gained a new appreciation and respect for Ms. Jackie Forster for her selflessness and generous heart. She didn't have to do this..she wasn't gaining anything from the exercise. Not only did she give off her time and knowledge, she also shared from her own pocket! In fact, she paid for the venue, the food and the materials she gave us herself! May the Lord bless you back a millionfold, Jackie! You said that everything happens for a reason. I believe that too. Who knows where we all end up in the future. But everything that we've encountered or experienced will all come into play one day and we will all realize that "Ay, kaya pala. So that was what that was for!". So thank you, for the experience and know that whatever I become in the future, you had a hand in it! =)

Class picture! Ayan, achieve na ang day make-up!
See you guys sa part 2!

ngek, pangit ko pero post pa rin! hehehe
nakatingala ako kasi tangkad ni Jackie!

Reminiscing

Someone said that there are two things that pierce the human heart... - Moments we wish would last forever, and ~ Moments we wish had never begun. It's the former that are piercing my heart right now. I find myself missing people and experiences I've had before and wishing that i could go back and relive them.

I miss my dad the most. Ever since he passed away in 2005, I've been wanting to write about him but i could never bring myself to do so. It's like trying to do so, would be physically painful, that the moment the urge comes to put down in paper my thoughts about my dad, I automatically dismiss it. I still can't totally confront the onslaught of feelings that come rushing back when I allow myself to think of Daddy, but I can now reminisce about all the good times we had together without feeling sick to the stomach. I've always been a Daddy's girl (aren't all girls?). My dad and I shared a very special relationship. I realize now that we were so much alike. We both talked sparingly, not needing so many words to express ourselves and not finding the need to explain ourselves. We were comfortable in silence and shared so many silent moments together. Despite the few words and the stretches of silence between us, we knew each other so well. Nobody really got me like my dad did and I him. 

When I started working, my dad would sometimes drop me off or pick me up from work when he would be in the vicinity. BUT, if it was payday, he would surely pick me up from work so we could go on a "date"! We would go to the mall to watch a movie, eat or shop. Sometimes it would be a simple "food trip" inside the UP campus for fish balls, squid balls and kikiam.

Then one day, I got a call at work that my dad had a stroke at home and had to be rushed to the hospital. He was never the same physically but he was still his old cheerful and optimistic self. It took a while until he could walk again but he still had to drag his left leg along and he didn't have control of his left arm. This didn't stop him from having fun! We would still go on movie dates or just eat out just the two of us! I knew he looked forward to these times. His face would light up when I would tell him to change because we were going to the mall. I'd end up really exhausted after each trip though and would have to sleep about 10 hours to regain my strength. He was very appreciative of everything little thing I did for him. Even if I just brought him stuff I got as freebies at the mall or at the mrt station, he would thank me profusely and tell me how much he liked them afterwards. 

I miss him terribly! Even if I know I did everything I could to make him happy, there are times I question myself if I did enough for him. Knowing my dad, he would tell me I did more than enough. 

The lyrics of the chorus of Luther Vandross'es "Dance with My Father" echoes what's in my heart right now...

If I could steal
One final glance                                                                        
One final step
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love love love to dance with my father again

Episodes

Times like these inevitably creep into our uneventful lives. Times when you just feel utterly sad and desolate. Inconsolable. I really don't know when they will come but when these episodes do I am helpless. They may have been triggered by different things but they have a common thread - sadness, hurt and a feeling of betrayal

I suddenly felt this way again today upon accidentally  learning of my friends' upcoming trip which doesn't include me. It hurts but I understand. It isn't possible for them to include me. Yes, I understand but it doesn't make it feel any less hurting. I feel betrayed even if I know I shouldn't. Someone said that we shouldn't be afraid when some people will no longer be our friends because we deserve better friends. Someone also said that we should surround ourselves with people who lift up our spirits and leave those who drag us down. I believe that I did nothing wrong. If I did, it's too petty to warrant a cold war this long. I already apologized even if my hand was somewhat forced. I've extended an olive branch several times, to no avail. It is hard to maintain friendships with those who are caught in the middle. Doing so ensures that I would always feel this way on a regular basis. Ignorance is indeed bliss but having common friends ensures that I would never be ignorant. Should I sever all ties altogether to keep from hurting? I guess not. Losing one already hurts a lot. Losing one or two more is unthinkable. I will just endure...This episode will pass. I will be back to normal again...until the next episode comes again...

RE-GIFTING

I have always understood the practice of re-gifting. It's practical and economical. Why let something go to waste when someone else could benefit from it? What's ordinary and useless to one could be wonderful and very useful to another. But some people must have missed the very purpose of re-gifting.  It is not mindlessly  passing off something you don't like to someone else just to get rid of it! Nor is it getting rid of something that's about to spoil or worse is ALREADY spoiled just because you seem to be under the impression that it is better than throwing stuff away! In case you haven't gotten the memo, let me tell you now..."Better to throw stuff ,especially food that you can't eat yourself than to give it away. You don't wanna cause someone indigestion or worse ,food poisoning, do you?"

I guess this is the reason why I don't look forward to the opening of gifts on Christmas day. I must have been scarred from the countless years that I  was disappointed. Getting things from the same people year after year that is soooooo obviously an afterthought is so tiring. And yet, year after year I still HOPE that maybe this time, they'll get it right.  What kinda stuff you might ask? Clothing that don't fit (by several sizes!), accessories that i won't wear or use because they are so obviously not my style (READ: can they REALLY see me wearing or using this?!?!), mugs (how many mugs can one person have? especially one who doesn't drink coffee?) and food stuff that is about to spoil or who's packaging is torn, dusty or rusty(must have been in the cupboard for ages!) (horror of horrors there were times that some of them even had molds already!)

The Start of Something New

I've always thought of starting my own blog but I never got down to it. It was hard to transition from journal writing to blogging. I guess I was a bit apprehensive because to me keeping a journal was more private and personal while blogging will potentially open up my thoughts to  others.  So I believe this is me saying "I am ready to open up to the world" and to the wonderful world of blogging!